Opening up | This is really hard

There are things in life that we share. As a lifestyle blogger I’ve tried to share a lot of myself in a hopes to at a bare minimum give an insight into other another person's life but with the hope that by sharing my life story, it will provide solidarity to those who might be going through similar life experiences, big or small, exciting or scary, and be comforted that we are not alone in this.

Right now I’m sitting on a train having not written a blog post in weeks. There’s been a lot I’ve wanted to talk about, but there’s also been a millions reason why I felt I couldn’t. Because I didn’t want to feel embarrassed, because I felt shame that other people will be going through so much worse, through fear of back lash that I can’t take it back, but probably most likely, and most importantly, because if I wrote it down and shared it with the world it made it real, and I just wanted to hide and pretend that everything is OK.

I feel like a hypocrite. I try to encourage others to believe in themselves and say with confidence;

“It’s OK that I’m not OK”

But here I am having been holding up appearances for a very long time, because the truth is I’m really not OK. I’ve not been OK for a long time and it’s really hard to face the reasons why.

In my bag hiding from any looking eyes is a book I just bought to try and help myself through this time in my life, and hopefully find the courage to be strong. That book is called “Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men” by Lundy Bancroft. I’ve leave a link below for anyone also in need of support and guidance right now.

I’m on my way back to my hometown for a few days of respite and hopefully the fresh air and peace away from London will give me some comfort and strength. It’s hard to describe how that last year of my life has been, and it’s something I've felt too humiliated to talk about. I am lucky to have some very wonderful friends and family who I know will always (and do) support me and want to protect me, but the shame I’m experiencing has isolated me so much, I feel very very alone at the moment.

I may take this post down at some point, and I really hope that in the near future I can write more on this topic with a positive outcome having found my inner confidence again. I want to be able to share a story of overcoming struggle so that my experience can help others in similar situations know that they can too save themselves.

For now I am doing my best to know that it’s OK not to be OK. I am a kind and loving person, who doesn’t deserve to be treated any other way, and I have a right to be happy. If you don’t hear from me soon don’t worry. I’m doing my best. I’ll be back when I feel ready and thank you to anyone who has a kind thought for me. It’s greatly appreciated.

If I do post anything, and it seems too outwardly positive I hope that you won’t think me false. I’m just doing everything I can to carry on a normal life and blogging is therapeutic, so if I need to exude positivity in my posts to get me through this I’m going to do that. It won’t be a lie, it’ll just be me, doing my best, to be OK.

You may also like

No comments:

Thanks for commenting and joining the community on Theas Thinkings!

All content © Copyright 2013 Thea's Thinkings unless stated otherwise. Powered by Blogger.